A day in a RAD mom life.

This article is an excellant example of what we as RAD parents go through every day as we tightrope the issues of patience and guidance.

Through the house the words rang as they had rung hundreds of times before,

No anger, no edge, no tension, just,

"Come into the bathroom, kids.

Hang up your wet towels.

They'll never dry on the floor."

And so the children come,

pick up their towels,

so they'll dry.

No problems, no fuss,

just grasp it with both hands and hang it over the hook.
Yet one child seems to cower in his room.

Facing me in the bathroom with a wet towel at my feet is too much for him.

I call again, knowing whose towel it is that is left.
Stiff with fear,

his bony thinness evident through his pajamas,

he slowly approaches the bathroom.

Standing in the doorway, his eyes watch my every muscle,

trying to discern the first twitch indicating impending violence.

None comes.
He enters, steps above the towel so that it lies between our feet.

I try to say, gently, again, "Hang up your towel".

But five minutes after a 30 second task should have been done leaves an edge of impatience

in my voice.

He stands, unable to pick up the towel for fear of losing sight of me.

For fear of bending his head and not seeing the blow that is sure to come.

What do I do now?

My mind races over the possibilities.

Do I pick up the towel for him and relieve him of his fears?

Do I master my voice and say again as kindly, as softly as possible, "Honey, you need to hang up your towel."

Do I stand quietly, waiting for the trust that will allow him to bend over and pick up

the towel?

Do I give him a hug and suggest that together we pick up the towel so he can still see

me every second?

Do I leave and let him pick it up alone?

I am not used to watching my few relaxing evening moments evaporate while a child wallows in fear

over the seemingly simple matter of hanging up a wet towel.
There is accusation in his eyes.

Accusing me of inflicting pain,

bearing the accusation for those who did.

My patience ebbs away.

The ebbing he had been waiting for.

The ebbing he knew would come.

The ebbing which would prove his fears were justified.
I abandon the reasonable options my mind has outlined and enter the world he has imagined for me.

Harsh words bark out!

"Pick up this towel immediately!"

In an instant he has grabbed up the towel,

wadded it into a ball,

thrust it onto the top of the hook,

no more able to dry than it had been on the floor.
His eyes have never left me.

The new position of the towel is worse than the old.

I am angry.

To wait so long and see such a mess made of it.

I grab his hands,

force him to take the towel down,

shake it out,

rehang it properly.

His stiffness is alarming.

His eyes try to veil the well of tears,

the sense of rejection and failure.

He flees to his room.
I go from room to room and bed to bed,

kissing each cheek,

settling everyone in for the night,

sharing evening blessings and small talk of the day.

One small body huddles against the wall,

refusing my touch,

rejecting my feeble efforts at reconciliation.

He stiffens against my embrace,

still I pick him up in my arms and try to hug his straight arms and body.
We are both crying.

Six months of patient effort to bring him out of his tomb of fear.

Lost.
Lost because of a tired mom,

and a wet towel,

lying,

on a bathroom floor.
 
 
  Deb Hauge   http://www.deborahhage.com/

Roller coaster of Christmas

My son has been on the roller coaster of Christmas emotions; loving one minute but mostly confused, hypervigilant and destructive. We work everyday to keep him home by keeping US safe. After a really crappy week of violent outbursts, fecal drawing and fighting for control, today was nice. He listened, was respectful, played alone and didn't bother his sister and even took care of his evening hygiene without a mess. I am blessed today.

Mass School Suspends Child For Drawing Crucifix

Mass School Suspends Child For Drawing Crucifix


Have we come to a point when a Catholic child can not draw a picture of a crucifix without needing a psychological exam? I pray for this poor family. Schools need to get real and use a little common sense.

Late night.

Today was one of those crazy days. I left for work at 6 am, visited my in laws for supper and  help with some physical cares ( my mother in law is in her mid 80's and has Alzheimer's) then off to school for my last class of the semester...yea! A long day but I need to be away and use my mind and help others to feel stronger. Make sense? Hubby stayed home and is wonderful and even more patient than me. He put our son to bed early for disrespect and hitting. I tucked him in at 9 pm since he had fallen asleep on the bed with clothes on. No pull-up on so lots of laundry to anticipate.

I have to work again tomorrow so off to bed.

Snow Day

Well, we got through the night. After raging a few hours my son passed out. I covered him up, kissed him and shut the door and set his alarm. He can't live here with us without an alarm. I would never be able to sleep and none of us would be safe.

Today was a snow day! The kids were thrilled and I was glad that it was my day off. As a nurse there is never a snow day and even though I drive 30 miles to work, I would have to make it in. Instead I got a day to catch up with a little homework, make hot tea for the kids, watch my hubby shovel us out. 12 " of snow. Heavy wet snow. Now as a born and bred upper Midwesterner, I love my snow, especially the first few storms. Just like everyone else here I get really sick of it by March and hate those late May snows or freezes. Well, what do I expect; I live in Wisconsin.

My daughter had a blast outside and then she took her new Rip Stick board in the basement to practice-my little jock.

My son tried to play outside but just ended up trying to hurt his sister, threw snow at daddy while he was snow blowing-unsafe. So he won the big lottery, mommy time wit me...all day and I'm exhausted. Let's see, he pulled my hair, tried to scare me repeatedly, made a mess every where and finished it of by defecating in his pants and making such a mess trying to clean up I finally did it myself. I then got to bleach down half the house.

He did sit next to me late this evening for a while and even put his head on my shoulder for about 15 seconds before calling me a jerk. He finally put him to bed at 7pm when he screamed in my ear. And I wonder why I have tinnitus? He raged a few minutes and knew I wasn't going to bye the "I'm sorry"  and "I didn't mean it" and after a few more choice words he settled and went to bed.

A new therapist

Today was day one with a new therapist. This time I decided to work with a woman,; our last 2 therapist were men.

I am also considering a new psychiatrist.

Anyway, This is the first time I didn't go in with my son. After an hour he emerged and therapist said it was a great first meeting. Well....It must have stirred up some good strong feelings because he was digging out poop and drawing on the walls for me tonight. He also hit, spit kicked and pulled my hair.

I am almost considering a hospital stay  for respite for hubby and I. And I hate psych hospitals for kids. I think they are expensive glorified day care and my son comes home sicker than before and learns even better profanity and gang signs...yeah ;(

I'll try to keep him safe and quiet tomorrow, I think we will be having a snow day.

Older adoption

My sons birth brother has contacted us. We found him 2 years ago but we were not in the emotional position to adopt him as we were in the throes of dealing with the hardest times with our sons RAD; including 2 hospitalizations.

We are now not in a financial position to help adopt him.

He has asked and I don't know what to do. My heart is large enough for him but my wallet is empty.

Please add him to your prayers and help us decide how to best help him.

Happy Thanksgiving

The kids are in bed. A rough evening but now all is well in the world. I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.

Quiet night

Everyone is sleeping...all is quiet. Baby boy found a sharpie marker and proceeded to scribble all over his bedroom wall, mattress, pillow, and body because he way angry. I calmly handed him a Magic Eraser (they truly are magic, I love them) and told him  to start cleaning. He later snuggled with me.

But now I'm the only one up and all is quiet on the RAD front...for tonight :)

Incredible

It is just incredible. For the last 2 days my son has been almost normal. Yes, there is still sibling rivalry that goes on but not too much of the Raddy behavior. A few broken pencils and one short outburst after school but I thank God for days like this.

My hubby's work is winding down and my school and work schedule are not overly busy, maybe he is just reacting to our relaxed behavior. I have to stop over analyzing and just relish the moment.

The complexities of RAD

Here is a photo of our  pumpkins this past Halloween.  Between the four of us: Hubby, myself, my son and daughter guess which one has RAD.

Following the leader

I have been reading a lot of RAD blogs lately. As things act up in our home, I am curious about how other families cope.  One thing is clear, patience, patience, patience!

Anxiety driven RAD

My RAD baby boy is anxiety driven, picking his skin until bleeding, hitting his head and obsessively calling out you-ee you-ee you-ee. I found another feces filled diaper under his dresser this morning where he was on a time out after hitting his sister.  He can't take my affection for more than a few seconds, that RAD creeping up and covering his heart. I hug him and kiss his cheek and all of a sudden I feel a tenseness and he sticks his face in mine or pulls my hair or says "you stink'; all intended to push me away.

Bleach time

My Baby boy is raging again. We tried to cuddle tonight for a few minutes and he became very restless, starting picking his scabs open and ended up wiping feces on his door and wiping himself with the cream colored shower curtain. He just wants us to reject him, push him away or hurt him. I tell him he is safe and loved. He still doesn't believe me.

Send in the clowns

I haven't posted for a long time. Thing have been difficult the last year. Hubby and I are fine but the kids are challenging. My son has been hospitalized and struggles daily. My daughter is finally talking about her birth mom.

What Flower??

I am a Sunflower What Flower Are You?

I love Palin!!!

Wow, I can finally vote for McCain enthusiastically.

Palin is the new energy, integrity and strength that the Republican party needs. Bravo!!!


http://www.johnmccain.com/

My Favorite Song

I know this dates me but what a classic!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zJdbpzfJMs

A busy time.

It's been a busy winter and spring. We finished the addition to our home, I continue in school and really love it. I'm taking an online Bochem class this summer thru Colorado Colleges Online. I'll do the lab in the kitchen with a microscope I purchased. Should be fun.

The kids are just about finished with school, but summer school awaits! My son will continue with school for 6 weeks. I hope it helps him retain some of the 1st grade work he learned.

We need to finish landscaping but we have all summer.

A wonderful day

This sleepy, snowy winter day.

Children playing, hubby shoveling snow and plans to go bowling later. I'm watching a chick movie and enjoying my day.